Ode to Red Lake

Oh Red Lake Falls! You were fabulous! I had so much fun being a retard! What a gong show!

For those of you who don't know...Red Lake Falls is close to Thief River in MN. Its basically you and hundreds of other stupidly drunk people all campin out by the river. Then these folks who drive a roof-less school bus take you and your tube 4 miles away from the camp site and you float back down the river - drinking the whole time. This time it took an average time of 2.5 hours to get back to your site.

The whole experience is generally just one big 'meet market'. I'm not into getting laid by or fooling around with randoms, but I had a great time watching the human animal all weekend.

10 things I will remember about red lake:

10 - Crazy Blue School Bus: We drove to red lake falls in style - in a old school bus that has only couches in it. This guy named Phil owns the bus and me and my friends Shan and Mich hung out for the weekend with four really cool guys - Phil, Dave, Jeremy and Jay and Jeremy's little sister and her friend. This bus, I tell ya...it was a piece of work and we sometimes wondered how it even was road legal...nonetheles its a recreational vehicle and we were allowed to drink in it and did so aaaaaall the way to Red Lake.

9 - Getting Lost: It took us about an extra hour to get there because the boys missed the turn off and we ended up in the middle of a field somewhere...so the boys beat the stereotype and actually stopped people (in the middle of the highway) and asked for directions while me and Mich amused ourselves by flashing people.

8 - Liquor Store: So...you mean to tell me that these mickeys are buy one get one free?!?! OMG! You are playing a HUGE role in my public drunken-ness this weekend!

7 - Bikini Photo Shoot: Don't know why, but we had a bikini photo shoot the first nite. Great times I tell ya...and thats basically all I can remember.

6 - Meeting cool people: I love struttin around and meeting people. I made so many cool friends this weekend - it was great!

5 - Tube Rafts: I went from going as a party of 3 (knowing only shanna and michelle) to a party of 9 to this giant tube raft party of 28. We had 4 coolers full of booze as 28 of us floated down in tubes that were teathered to each other. We sang songs, drank beer and flashed other tubers...

4 - Clay Bra: On the second tube run of saturday, our tubes got stuck on the river bank so I managed to grab a couple handfulls of clay before we pryed ourselves free. Me and Michelle then continued to make ourselves 'bras of clay' which eventually hardened. We got in trouble by this bitchy woman who didn't like us struttin around the camp site wearing clay.

3- Dude who just didn't have a clue: This guy had made out with my friend the first nite, but then thought that I was her the next day...I didn't know why he was being all 'touchy feely' and invading my personal space until my drunk mind finally pieced it all together. The next time I saw him...the following conversation occured:

Him: "hey laura! (touchy feely)"
Me: "uh, hi...you know my name isn't Laura and we didn't make out last nite"
Him: "Oh...uh..."
Me: "My friend is over there...and her name isn't Laura either"

We ended up talking a little after that and he redeemed himself cause he actually is a nice guy...just happened to have no clue.

2. Marshmellow Nipples: Keeping with the tradition of marshmellow nipples, me and Mich wore those marshmellows with pride on Saturday nite.

1. Mud Wrestling: On our last tube run on sunday...we came upon a mud pit...it smelt like ass but was a good slippery mess of a time!

And you wonder why I don't have a boyfriend...seriously, who would let me get away with all this?!? I'll have to find someone who will :)

Note: I don't have any of the other photos up...perhaps I'm saving them....only time will tell :)

It appears I was wrong..yay for broadband in Anchorage!

Well, well, well...look what I found!!! A broadband connection for my lap top! giddy up! This was unexpected but I'm gonna take advantage of it and post some of my picks:

Ok, so here are the top 11 memorable moments of my cruise:

11. The cute little towel animals: Our little cleaner man would make us cute little towel animals every nite and leave them on our beds with the agenda for the next day. The elephant was my favorite one :)






10. Feeling like a dork for the life saving drill routine: So you put on your life jacket and you and a thousand other people move in silence to the 6th floor where you find the safety group you are supposed to be in and do a role call...here I am laughing my ass off because I'm the dork who couldn't put her life jacket on and then felt like I was in a sumo suit.



9. Finding the bead 'sandbox' in one of the shops in Juneau: Remember how fun it was playing in a sandbox as a child...well, I found the new adult Heather equivalent in Juneau...it was this super big bead station with a chair. Well, I spent an hour there picking out enough blue and yellow beads to fill three vials...yay for beads!




8. Wine Tasting: Oh you delicious, delicious wine! I'm a wino and had two opportunities to taste some amazing wine! I'm still a big fan of Chablis or White Zinfandel though...but I made a great move into liking red wine with my favorite being a Shiraz from Rosemount, Austrailia.



7. Grasshoppers: Hmmmmm...creme de mente, a little creme de cacao and milk...my favorite cocktail!








6. Achieving my dream: Everyone had dreams...I had this one particular dream of eating King Crab and drinking wine on a cruise ship...this was achieved on the Tuesday...the nite of our first formal dinner.






5. Passing out in my evening dresses...I did this...*thinking* yep, every nite! After the 6th nite my mom finally thought it would be funny to document this.







4. Dorky Dutch Theme Dinner Nite: I saw older ladies walking around with these hats on and at first I thought they went crazy and joined a cult...then I arrived at dinner and realized that we all had to wear these hats for Dutch Dinner Nite aboard the Holland America.





3. Harry, the morning plate guy: This little Indonesian man would sing love ballads in the morning to me, my personal favorite being "when I fall in love, it will be for Heather"...very creative I must tell ya, you American men should take note!






2. Cute Croatian who sold me my watch: Like I posted before, I don't like spening my money, or anyone elses money on personal things for me. This dude managed (we'll say by using charm) to get me to buy this CK watch, which I have had a million comments on already and actually is a very, very nice watch and I'm glad I bought it.




1. Impersonator gyrating on my mom: We went to the finale show aboard our ship and were sitting in the second row. This impersonator came on and after a few songs I realized that he had a tendency to come into the crowd and serenade the women. Just before his next song, I turned to my mom and said "oh, I hope he comes and gyrates on you!" and suuuure enough...he came over, full on strattled her chair and started doing pelvic thrusts at my mom while singing Tom Jones' Delilah. I almost lost it I was laughing so hard! My mom is totally the opposite to me...very straight edged and she didn't know what to do with herself...man, I gotta take my mom to see the rippers one day...

Possibly last post (till thursday)

Hey Ya'll!

Well, I've had lovely time on the cruise! Its been a real treat being able to meet people from all over the world and being able to travel to interesting little towns and see different history and culture. (I live for this stuff) And living on a cushy ship while you're doing it is also a very nice touch...

This might be my last post for a few days, we get off the ship tomorrow by 10am and then are travelling around Alaskas interior (via rail) till thursday.

On thursday, we spend numerous hours in various airports trying to get home...damn you non-direct flights!?!? So, my HNT will probably be a tad late that day (unless I can find some cyber cafe somewhere...)

Till then folks!

Well, isn't that craptastic?

I had big hopes of being able to connect my lap top and upload my pictures on this cruise...but alas, I need a wireless internet card and my computer doesn't have one because A: its about 5 years old now and B: I'm too cheap to upgrade it because I want to save up for a precious Mac.

Soooooo, I'll just blog about some interesting things that have happened...and have a big postapallooza when I get back telling of specific stories.

The Food: Oh my god...I've never had such good food in my life! Its like there is a party in my mouth and all my taste buds were invited and they're having a great time.

People: Ok, so if you are my age (24) and plan on going on an Alaskan cruise like this with every intention to meet people your age...you are shit outta luck. Good thing this wasn't my intention at all...I have enjoyed the attention from the lonely lonely seamen though.

Ketchikan, Alaska: Is where we docked today, it was very nice...but if you actually LIVE in Ketchekan...chances are you're not a happy person. We walked past all the glitz and glamour that you see when you first arrive and went into a bit more of the 'real' Ketchekan..it was pretty slummy....ok, it was very slummy. And no body was really happy or nice and I'm pretty sure the last thing they wanted to see was a tourist standing next to their beat up jeep taking a picture (FYI: This was not me...) Most of the people who you would normally see only work in Ketchekan 6 months of the year, and they're pretty happy because people are dropping hundreds of dollars...speaking of hundreds of dollars.

Cute Slavic Man: Ok, so this really sweet and charming sales man actually got me to drop some money and buy a watch (this is a HUGE feat...A: I don't like to spend money on myself and B: I never buy jewelry for myself cause I can make it) Its a Calvin Klein watch and its actually very nice, once I got over the whole feeling like crap for spending money...damn you cute charming men!

Furry Man Thong: No word of a lie, I'm the proud owner of a furry man thong..Its basically a jock strap with a furry crotch part and a raccoon tail on the ass...I'll post the picture when I can finally connect my lap top...its hilarious, it makes my day just looking at it (its soooo not sexy looking, I can't see anyone getting excited seeing this...) regardless, I am looking for someone with enough balls (no pun intended :) ) to model it for me so I can take a pic.

Ok, thats all from me for now....we hit Juneau, Alaska tomorrow so that should be fun....I'm off to get ready for dinner! *yay!*

P.S. yeah...I've fixed the names of the places I'm visiting...I"m a loser and can't spell...

Bon Voyage!

Well, I finished camp today...balled like a girl while driving home, I'm gonna miss some of those kids!

Stopped balling when I reached Winnipeg because I found myself in the middle of a monsoon and couldn't find a street that didn't have less than two feet of water on it...insane!

Now its almost 3:00, my flight leaves in 2 hours and I just got home (and I"m not even packed) so I better get at er! I'll have my comp on me for the next two weeks and will elaborate on everything...but for now I have to get ready.

When Opportunity Knocks...

I have a few opportunities that have presented themselves to me in the last month that I must now take the time and deeply consider. For those of you who don't know, I run my own business (a jewelry line) and have a passion for business.

I've been given two fine opportunites and I just don't know which one I should do or if I should do both.

A: Lisa, (one of my buyers) has offered to pay the rent for a booth in a Mall in Winnipeg. I will get 100% commission on my stuff and all I have to worry about is the staffing and the books.

B: Karen (another one of my buyers...Note: I have very good relationships with my business associates) has offered me her store Kalidoscope (which is in Calgary) to purchase. She opened one in North Vancouver and just wants to focus on that one and her family. This would involve me moving from Winnipeg to Calgary sometime in the future...which could probably be done because I don't really have any dependents (except my cats...but they'll adapt I'm sure). This one is really neat because it already generates 375,000 dollars a year and is going strong. Its a good chunk of change to buy, but I can probably find money somewhere.

The things I have to think about...I'll most likely end up doing both cause I'm crazy like that.

Answering Rs Qs

Here are the instructions:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

S0, I'm playing this little Q and A game and my buddy R asked me these questions below: Leave a message in my comments if you want me to ask you questions :)

1. Is there anything that angers you just at the thought of it? If so, what do you do to control your rage?

There are two things that just piss me off:

The thing that rages me the most is lying...especially when I KNOW someone is lying to me, but they continue to do it anyways. I'm a genuine and honest person so to deal with someone who is doing nothing but spitting hyppocritical jargon at me really boils my blood. Say what you mean and mean what YOU say...and refraining from telling me something is still lying in my books.

Secondly, people who are too stubborn/self-centered to compromise...I will always be patient and compromise but I have little to no tolerance for those who cannot do the same for me. If you are incapable of knowing what you want, listening to what I want and then working on a solution together with me...things just are not going to work then.

What do I do when I'm upset? I run, run and run some more...I like to work up a sweat cause it tends to take my angry energy and put it somewhere else. (Liars have made me upset at camp so I have been running a LOT lately)

2. You have the power to change Winnipeg weather patterns, but you can only choose between -10 and +30. What do you choose and why?

hmmm....I'm very much a mid 20s kinda temperature girl but I'd have to say that I'd choose the +30. Why? Cause I'd much rather run around wearing a bikini with a skirt and sandals than a stuffy parka.

3. You are a man for a day. What do you do with yourself?

Hahaha..this is a funny question! I'd definetly have to play with myself...first and foremost. I'd have to measure my member cause I'd be curious to see how well (or not well) I'm hung if I had live with this penis for a day.

I'd have to play football with the boys cause for once they wouldn't be worried about hurting me and being all gay when they hit me. Oh, and I'd try and learn to burp the alphabet and make armpit farting noises (As a girl, I have no luck learning those things plus its not very lady like so maybe I'll have better luck as a guy)

Then I'd go to the bar, use a urinal and then try every single tacky pick up line I've ever had used on me and see if any chicks go for it. I'd then dance in their 'bubble' on the dance floor...if these techniques work by some miracle, then I'll finish off my nite with some booty...otherwise, I'll go home and play with myself...again.

4. A millionaire comes to the door and offers you your dream lifestyle...only catch you have to wipe their ass when they shit.What do you choose?

All the money in the world couldn't force me to wipe someones ass for a living, if I'm gonna have my dream lifestyle..its gonna be because I got there on my own terms...I don't accept handouts and I don't sell out.

5. Death by drowning or death by getting squeezed like a zit till you pop?

Hmmm...both involve a significant amount of pain, I'd have to go with the drowning though and I'd hope that my drowning death was caused because I was ridiculously hammered and was trying to do something drunkenly stupid like walk on water or show people my perfect belly flop.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

So, after picking up supplies all day and managing to cram it all into my Mustang, I have returned to camp once more. The little ones are here and I didn't have a chance to say hi to them before I left on Sunday.

So I go into the bathroom and this one little girl says:
little girl 1: "HEATHER?!? Is THAT you?!?"
Me: "yeppers"
little girl 1: "Remember last year when you came into our cabin and sang us bedtime songs? Are you going to do that again?"
Me: "sure, I'll do that tonite, what cabin are you in?"
little girl 1: "Cabin 1"
Me: "Alrite"
little girl 2: "Remember when I was homesick last year and you brought me into the kitchen and made me hot chocolate and sang to me? You probably don't..."
Me: "Oh yes I do, you're Danyika right?"
little girl 2: "you remember :) "

So I go into a bathroom stall and just as I go in more girls from cabin one come in:

little girl 1: "Guess who's here?!? HEATHER and shes in that stall right over there?!?!"
little girls: "which one?!? where?!?"

So, I can't even go to the bathroom cause their trying to find me, I come out and they all scream and hug me like I'm some kinda rock star...kids are hilarious.

Now, they are having a mini Zabava and this is another cute story. The girls are all bustin a move to 'girls just want to have fun' and the boys are just sitting there. Next song happens to be a slow one and its sheer pandemonium. The girls go running one way, the boys the other...they all clear off the dance floor, girls are screaming as boys ask them to dance and the ones that are dancing together are at the appropriate 1 meter distance away from each other. Ah, to be young :)

I hear the girls screaming again...must be another slow song, I better get back there...

Fine! Arrest me!

I had an unusual encounter with a man I'd like to call 'old and crotchity'. Me and my friend Cindy went for one of our blading/girl talks but we couldn't go on our usual route because the flood water washed out the road.

So we chose to just go around the residential roads of St.Norbert. About 45 minutes into our blade this old man who should obviously be riding on the short bus instead of driving a truck starts honking at us. He then drives past us, stops his truck on the wrong side of the road, gets out and begins yelling at us in his scottish accent.

Insane geezer: "Hey ladies, do you want to know something?"
Me and Cindy: (looking dumbfounded...)
Insane geezer: "You could get arrested for that!?!!"
Me: "For what? Rollerblading?"
Insane geezer: "You shouldn't be on the street!?!!"
Me: "What?!?! Theres no sidwalk? Were should we blade? On the grass?"
Insane geezer: (shakes his finger at us)
Me: "Call the cops then, I'd like to see this..."

He then gets in his truck, pulls in front of us again, slams on his breaks at the stop sign and then screetches off down another road.

This brings another topic to my attention...Old people should be re-tested after a certain age...and not just to test whether they can drive or not...but also to check if all the bricks are still there. This guy was one wonky old man.

Like owner like pet?

This is one of my 'fur kids' Maupa. (Maupa is monkey in Ukrainian and she's definetly a crazy little monkey cat) Now I'm not sure why, but she loves my fuzzy penis pillow...actually, she loves it sooo much that I've had to hide it on her cause her purring and sucking noises wakes me up at nite and then I start laughing my ass off cause shes on that damn pillow again.

My coach for team handball, Larry bought me this pillow as a joke because at one point I was so sexually frusterated that it was affecting my concentration and my shots were constantly hitting the cross bar. The pillow didn't stop me from hitting the damn cross bar, but it gave me a good laugh.

Disclaimer: I don't know where she learned to do that... ;)

So tired!

Yay! I'm back at my place for a couple days! I came back so that I can balance the books and make a deposit so the bank doesn't get pissed off at us. That way as well, I can watch the bar and let my dad do some supply runs to the camp.

This week is the little kids, grades 1 - 6. They're my favorite age group, so cute, so honest, and they say the funniest things. I don't want to miss out on them too much so I'll be heading back on tuesday after my football practice. We have a camp fire wednesday nite and I don't want to miss out on them singing :)



This is the storage/Heathers secret pilates room. I'm showing about a 1/4 of the groceries we have in stock. I'm not even sure what I'm doing in this photo or what I was thinking, I was pretty deprived of sleep and probably had a glass of wine at this point (we arrive in the kitchen to start breakfast at 6am and I don't usually leave till 1am)

Attached to my computer till wednesday!
- H

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

(Sorry folks...you better have time if you want to read this one cause its long...I"m making up for not having a computer attached to my side for two weeks)

Well, I've been at camp for almost a week now...and like all things in life, you take the good with the bad and you have to tolerate the ugly. So here are some of the wonders in life that I've had to deal with while at camp:

Showing the kids constallations:
Good - I love teaching people things that I know well. The moment that it clicks for them and they can see a particular constallation, it is such a rewarding feeling.
Bad - Me: "And thats Cassiopia, its the queen" Smart Ass kid: "Actually, it looks like a 'W'"
Me: "And thats Cygnus, the swan" Smart Ass kid: "Actually, it looks like a 'T' "
Ok kid, I'm sorry that you have no imagination....geez!
Ugly - We're laying on the grass and one of the kids has a bug crawl on her...all hell breaks loose cause once one girl starts screaming and running, then like lemmings they all start running...too funny.

Singing Camp Fire Songs
Good - Once again, its really cool to hear 240 kids all singing and dancing around.
Bad - Of course, there are a few that are 'too cool' to make an ass of themselves...hey, I'm the one running around making the biggest ass of myself, they least you could do is sing with the rest of them.
Ugly - I sing this one song called 'the moose song' (its a repeat after me and my actions song) and the chorus always seems to turn into full contact body slamming amongst the boys...well, as long as they don't hurt themselves.

Feeding those kids:
Good - Its really nice to see my whole family (my brothers, cousins, aunts, baba, parents) all working together as a nice family unit for two weeks...we rarely argue and work very well.
Bad - I'm tired of going "Hi there! Its ______. Would you like one or two? There you go!" I figure that I say that about 600 times a day.
Ugly - There is this one damn kid who is sooooo picky...and then he gets all in a huff because he doesn't like anything (and we serve like pizza, mac and cheese, hot dogs...all that crap that kids love) I think he has eaten a bun for every meal...So yeah, I also don't tolerate picky eaters.

Running:
Good - My cottage is about 5km from camp, its a perfect 10 minute jog so I do it twice a day...
Bad - The trail I use is through the middle of a bush, really good in the morning, but at nite I tend to scare the shit out of the deer, which in turn scare the shit out of me...the deer then runs in one direction and I run in the other.
Ugly - Last nite there was an electrical storm going on but it looked pretty far away so I thought I could make it home in time...I of course, was wrong. Totally drenched!

Spending time with my dad:
Good - Well, I get to drive his Toyota T3 and listen to Springsteen while we go for a supply run.
Bad - Damn truck got a flat tire...my dad of course looses it and blames it on me cause I must have run over that pointy object on purpose.
Ugly - So, were sittin there in front of the wholesaler...my dad is looking at the tire with the CAA repair guy and I'm standing on the sidewalk. This dude approaches me:
Dude: "Hi, looks like you have a flat"
Me: "Thats very insightful of you"
Dude: "So, do you have a boyfriend"
Me: "No" (then I realize that I should have lied and said yes)
Dude: "Well, you're beautiful, do you want to go out sometime?"
Me: (pretty dumbfounded) "wha...uh...hmm...I'm a very busy gi..." (my dad yells for me..whew my dads yelling finally put to good use) "oh, gotta go! take care"
Like, who does that? Did he read in a book somewhere that girls in distress are more vulnerable and therefore you should pounce on them and ask them out? He doesn't even know me, I could be a real meanie.

Well, thats all I can think of for now so I'm outs!

Our theme at camp this year is 'tropical paradise' so its my duty (owning a bar and all) to make sure those kids have the best damn virgin cocktails they've ever tasted for their Zabava! ('zabava' is Ukrainian for dance party...this particular one, the girls spend hours getting beautiful and the boys don't even notice cause they're too busy trying to fart on each other...Oh you crazy walking hormones!)

Ciao for now!

All you need is just a little patience

I had some chinese food and my fortune told me that "A handful of patience is worth a bushel of brains"...and it got me thinking....Am I a patient person? So after a bit of thought the answer is yes, I tolerate a hell of a lot of bullshit.

But despite being able to tolerate a lot, there are 5 things that just drive me insane and here they are in increasing order of 'pisses me off' magnitude.

5. Bad Drivers: To all of you who stop in a merge, drive 70km on the highway and leave your turn signals on, you make me a little pissed off..but its not your fault that some stupid driver tester thought you were good enough to get a licence.

4. People who don't say thank-you: I just held the door open for you cause I'm a nice person and you walk in without even a smile or a nod...apparently the world revolves around you and in that case, it was an honor to open the door for you.

3. Bad Tippers: I just served over 30 lunches and I made 5 bucks in tips...you cheap, cheap bastards.

2. People who are always right: And on top of that, you don't have the facts to back up your standpoint. So, you won't even listen to my opinion cause it doesn't matter what I say, you're always right...well, it just goes to show that you are very narrow minded. You remind me of those stupid kids in science class that would make a hypothesis and then go straight to the conclusion cause they were didn't understand the concept of analysing/testing in order to obtain a solid foundation for their opinion of the situation at hand.

1. Hippocrates/Liars: Whoa, this pisses me off above anything else in the universe. Say what you mean and mean what you say for Petes sake! Whats worse is that I'm really good at telling if you're lying to me or not...and then basically watching you lie to me time and time again shows you have little to no respect for me and now I have no trust in you.

Yeah, so thats what pisses me off...I'm in a bit of a dark mood...can you tell? hahaha, alrite gotta go to the MTHF AGM and then drive back to the camp drama that is occuring...god damn drama...I hate drama. I guess I also have no patience for drama.

Good Ol' Rural Manitoba

I'm sittin here, its 11pm and there is one heck of a thunderstorm going on outside. I begin to hear banging noises that are not typical of a thunderstorm so I go and investigate.

I go out my apartment entrance and notice that the sky is ablaze with a panoply of colors...its fireworks! Apparently one of the neighbors that lives behind my bar dropped about 5000 bucks on some kick ass fireworks and I swear it was better than any show I've seen here in Manitoba. Huge starburst fireworks going off against a background of lighting was an electrifying sight and I was very lucky to have stumbled upon it.

Of course in retrospect, this thunderstorm firework show was probably not the smartest of ideas. Its pouring rain, there are about 60 people standing outside in a lighting storm, a tornado touched down about 50 km from here about an hour ago, there are trees and power lines everywhere...but I think that added to the fun of the show.

And this is what us prairie folk call 'living dangerously'.

And update to my story: Yeah, the guy who did the fireworks last nite actually did the same fireworks at the Forks...so I had my own Forks fireworks display on my back steps :)

Oh Canada!

Well, Happy Canada Day to all my fellow Canadians. Every year I have the pleasure of getting juiced/working in Osborne Village and this year was definetly a lot of fun. I got paid to see the sites, get a henna tattoo (a sun on my back...I feel like such a badass hahhaha), buy random items and meet interesting people.

This years Canada Day post is dedicated to a 'touchy' subject because it is always something that is in the eye of the beholder and that is....Fashion!

On Osborne, I see a heck of a lot of Fashion NO NOs and I just thought I'd share my thoughts on this in what I like to call Heather's Fashion Rundown Extravaganza:

Disclaimer: This is what I think when I see this stuff on the street, so if you are a fan of any of these things....don't take it personally aight?

10. Socks with Sandals - Looks like you had your mind set on wearing running shoes, but then were too lazy to bend over so you slipped on some sandals instead.

9. Black Dress Socks with Dressy Shoes and Shorts - Hey buddy, you forgot to put on your dress pants!

8. Shoulder and Back Hair - Chest hair is ok, but excessive shoulder and back hair makes you look like you are wearing a furry shirt

7. Spandex shorts/slouch socks - Cool in the 80s when every body was doing it and lookin craptastic...but its 20 years later and you're still looking craptastic.

6. Hay as an accessory - Thats right boys and girls, hay is not just for horses and rollin around in, you can also wear it in your hair while sporting a jean cat suit.

5. Mesh Shirts - Maybe wearing a mesh shirt is a good idea given Winnipeg's unpredicatble rain showers...probably has little to no drying time. I can only imagine the tan line wearing one would give you though...

4. Big Dudes with Small Dogs - Ok, maybe this isn't really a fashion no no...but every time a big muscular or burly guy with a tiny shitzu or chiwawa would walk by I couldn't help but notice..."Big Guy, Little Dog" or think that it must belong to his girlfriend...so hopefully that wasn't their way to pick up girls cause I just assumed that they were takin given their choice of dog...

3. Suspenders - Now I'm talking about when people wear them...but they're not really wearing them because the suspenders are hanging down around their ankles instead of on their shoulders. Someone will have to explain this fashion statement to me.

2. Big Pants - Dude, your ass is not even in your pants, and I'm pretty sure if aliens were to pop up from the ground and start incinerating people..you'd die because you'd trip on your pants that have fallen around your ankles. (I just saw War of the Worlds...can you tell?)

And the number one, which is actually a huge peeve of mine cause I just don't get why people do this is: (drum roll...)

1. Tight Pants - I thought all girls knew this, but I'll re-iterate. Just because you can 'zip up' a pair of size 4 jeans...does not make you a size 4. They actually have to fit you nicely or else a number of problems can arrise such as a camel toe or a gunt. Wearing a slightly larger size that fits might actually make you look smaller in the long run...who woulda thought?!?

And here is a list of things that made me stare in astonishment:

A: Booby McBoob - Now, we're talking huuuuge and very very fake looking...Like size HHH I swear and her nipples were like perma erect...she reminded me of a femme bot from austin powers.

B: Rat boy - This guy had a pet rat that just walked around from one side of his shoulder to another...it was actually kinda neat...but reminded me of the movie with the guy and the rats. (No idea what that movie was called)

C: Animal Woman - She had accessorised herself for the big outing with a baby chest sling thing (Once again, I have no idea what they are really called) that had two kittens in it, she had a cockatoo on her shoulder, and a dog on a leash...and none of them were running away or being difficult. When I put my cat on a leash, she just lays there or tries to run for cover so I was pretty amazed.

D: Crazy Expression Man - This one street performer always had very animated expressions on his face when he did his tricks...but the expressions kinda scared me (he looked demonic) I hope for him and his girlfriends sake that none of those expressions are his sex face.

Alrite, I'm off to bed...